Tons of women do this one thing.
And it must leave them feeling awful...
I wonder if you do it too?
I'm talking about women who hide their truefeelings from a man and fear sharing their desirefor a closer relationship and for love.
Ever felt this way?
It's happens when you won't communicate directlywith a man about your feelings because you think you'll“scare him away”.
Unfortunately, you're right... it could scare himaway.
The way you talk to a man about a relationshipturns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKEWITH A MAN.
I'll come back to this giant mistake in just aquick second...
First, I'd like to talk about what I've seen inthe dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATINGstory with you.
I've had women communicate their feelings with mein all sorts of different ways from joy to anger tofrustration, and I know what each one does to a man.
(and in a larger context, what communicating thisway does to any person in general - man or woman)
There's a pattern to the dating experiences thatI'd like to share.
THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS...
(let's pretend I'm the man in this story and you're the woman)
You and I meet. We both like each other.(lucky me!)
Feelings develop for us both on several levels.(physically, emotionally, socially)
You try to be “patient” and not express too manyfeelings and what you want to play it cool.
We have a great “connection”, but we never talkabout what we want in our future around dating,a relationship or marriage.
Time goes by and things are great for us.
Eventually, you begin to see that you're notgetting what you want from me in the relationship.
You want more, but you're scared of talking to meabout it because you don't know where I'm at.
You're scared because I've talked to you about allthe bad experiences I've had with women in the past.
And sometimes I even make negative remarks aboutwomen and their emotions.
You don't want to ruin the good things we havegoing and rock the boat, but in the back of yourmind you know that you'll want to deal with thenegative emotions that are slowly but surely buildingin your mind.
Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin touse my past issues to tell you that I'm not looking formuch more than what we have right now.
So you don't say anything to me directly tocommunicate what's going on for you and your feelings.
And of course, being a normal guy, I don't sayanything either. (Of course, I'm a man!)
You become frustrated and confused that I'm notacting how I used to act.
Things begin to change with the way I treat you.
I don't pay as much attention to you anymore.
I don't surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.
I'm tired everyday after work and just want towatch tv when I get home.
I call you less frequently.
I don't initiate sex as much anymore.
You even consider that I could be seeing someone else.
And after a few months - I've become distant.
So what happens next?
You decide you're not happy with where things areand it's time to have a talk about where we're at.
But you're SCARED of expressing your feelings aboutwhat you want, so you let things build up inside youuntil you begin to let your frustrations with me show.
And to wrap the story up...
You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN...
You start a conversation about the relationshipand then you “let me have it”!
(you get upset and lose your cool with me)
All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreamsthat you've been holding inside away from me all pour outin one big emotional explosion...
This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguingand yelling, but not exclusively.
Sometimes it's just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.
It might include:
- Complaining about the current state of the relationship
- Talking about the things he does wrong with you
- Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing
- Becoming upset that he doesn't feel how you'd like him to feel
- Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments
But it always creates a lot of emotional tensionand “drama”. Especially in the guys mind.
This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man ifyou want to get some positive result with him.
That tension that's created stays with him, and heNEVER forgets it.
In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” andfull of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw inyour behavior, and it scares him.
Yep, I know it's not fair, but it's the man's weirdand twisted reality...
I've heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talkabout this exact perception of a woman and how theyfear being with a woman who they think will make thisgiant mistake.
Yeah, I know... it's inmature, selfish and not fair ofthe man, but it's the reality of the situation that lotsof women end up in with men.
So how do you avoid this....?
I'll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.
Step 1) You Need To Understand What's Going On Inside TheMind Of Your Man...
Let me tell it to you straight, as a man...
Women secretly believe that their connection witha man will “naturally” turn into something deeper withoutany communication taking place.
Kind of like it's the unspoken truth about what's
going on.
Honestly... this isn't how it works for us men.
If you're “assuming” you have a relationship,and that he feels like you do, you're wrong.
Men don't assume that a connection, being together,spending quality time and all the rest means they'rein a committed relationship.
Some men do, but not most.
For a man to know he's in a committed relationship,and understand the things YOU want in that relationship,YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.
Yeah, that's right... You have to put yourself outthere and be vulnerable.
Scary!
But I hear lots of women think that other women arejust lucky to have found such a great guy.
And while there are some men who are more equippedand ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it's NOTluck that women in great relationships have found a wayto communicate with their guy.
That's right, they've taken time to find the rightinformation and to learn to integrate a certain way ofcommunicating into their thinking and behavior.
It's not easy, but there's help.
Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make“The Big Mistake”
EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It'sbasic human nature.
But being able to delay your gratification is anAMAZING thing to develop in your life.(in every part of your life!)
Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk,talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.
The root of this problem basically boils down toneeds that are unmet.
So making “The Big Mistake” is really all aboutbeing driven by your unmet needs and desires and solelyfocusing on what YOU want the relationship to be,without honestly and critically considering the man'sperspective, his emotional state, his commuicationskills and where he's coming from at the same time.
When you do this with a man, you are subconsciouslytelling him that you're more interested in your feelingsand what YOU want than you are in his feelings and whathe wants.
And men can read and pick up on women who dothis instantly.
I see a form of this “Big Mistake” communicationall the time in business by the way.
Some business professionals are the worst at thisself-absorbed “need” oriented communication.
Like when someone calls me who wants to get somethingfrom me or sell me something and they're not veryexperienced or polished at it.
The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda...and it instantly puts me on the defensive.
But if they've done their “homework” on me and what I'mlooking for, and not what THEY WANT from me, when theytalk it changes the whole situation the second they showme they've thought about what I want.
It's very simple but extremely powerful.
So let's take this concept directly back to communicatingwith men.
It might sound cliche', but you've got to learn to listenand understand where's he's at and where's he's coming from.
This cliche' is a around for a reason.
It works.
Patience, empathy and understanding are the first stepstowards creating the relationship you dream about.
But you've got to be careful to not become the woman whogives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.
Use your common sense and intuition to safeguardyourself - I know that your female perceptive abilitiesaren't used nearly enough, so put these strong tools togood use.
Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake
et me give you a vital piece of informationwhen dealing with men...
Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifyingthe things that are “obvious” to women in datingand relationships.
I would know. It's taken me ten years to beginto understand these things for myself - and Ispend a LOT of time thinking about it.
Sorry though, I'm “spoken for”...(Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)
Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.
So we know men are AWFUL at initiating andparticipating in conversations about deep emotionsand relationships.
Sorry to break the bad news, but it's almostalways up to you to make this communication happen.
It's important to remember to approach the entireconversation from the perspective of talking aboutwhat you want AND what he wants.
If you can make a guy feel like you put hisfeelings and needs a priority in this conversation,and always consider what he wants, I promise he willLOVE YOU for it!
There's no rule that says you can't consideranother persons opinions and feelings first inorder to get what you want.
In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to letthe other person talk first.
When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS havethe advantage. You know exactly what the other personwants... and knowledge is influence and power.
I'm not saying you need to take on hard-corenegotiating here with a man, but some of the samerules and principles about people and psychology apply.
When you talk to a man from a positive placeof listening first, he will be 10,000 times morereceptive to what you have to say and what you wantonce you bring it up than if you approach him from aplace of feeling hurt, communicate need and projectingfear and anxiety.
Try this instead.
Ask a positive question or give a positivestatement such as, “Honey, I was thinking todaythat I was happy to be with you.”
It might sound submissive, corny ordifficult to say to someone you're having atough time with, but think about it...
If you're going through all the trouble toworry so much about the future with this person,this is already what you're thinking.
You might want to check out what could be theworld's best collection of ideas, strategies,insights and research on the subject of how toavoid the Big Mistakes, and other big mistakesin my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”.
It's full off specific ways to communicate witha man that will instantly amplify the attractionhe feels for you and help move things quickly andsmoothly from “casual” to “committed” in no timeflat.
I've spent the better part of the last yearmaking sure my ebook will give you REAL WORLDANSWERS and solutions to the things you're dealingwith when it comes to men.
Go check it out right now:
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
My pleasure to come across your blog and read it, keep posting.
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting post to read, thanks for bringing it up.
ReplyDelete